DuAnneSeeley.com

Today is my birthday.  A big birthday. I am grateful to be alive and except for being diagnosed yesterday with an e-coli infection I have relatively good health.  I am grateful that my husband and  children are healthy. All of us love Jesus. Who could ask for more?  Okay, one thing came to mind this morning that I am asking for.  Before getting out of bed I prayed that I would live with the end in mind.

For me to live with the end in mind means that I will make prayerful decisions for the greatest impact in regard to my relationship with God, family and ministry.  This birthday is a great reminder that I am at a stage in life where working harder and doing more are not the answer.  My focus must be on working smarter and making wise and relevant kingdom choices as I stare down my final run.  When you are aware of what is your last 15 plus working years decisions are more costly.  I feel young and think young but when I see kids graduating from college, getting married and having babies that I babysat for I am reminded my 20’s are long gone.

In addition to being a godly wife and mother, I am passionate about helping stagnant churches and investing in the next generation of leaders.  I feel called to equip and mobilize multiplying church leaders.  Coaching and seeing people find their place in the kingdom energizes me.  I believe I still have have much to accomplish personally, especially through writing, but the focus of my ministry investment in the kingdom is being a catalyst for growth.

Have you found your sweet spot?

We just returned from a family vacation in Williamsburg, VA.  I think this is the longest real vacation that we have ever taken. My defininition of a real vacation is one in which neither Todd nor I are working. It’s so easy to put work in there whether it be sermon prep, Bible study prep, fundraising or something of that nature.  We refused to do that this time and the difference was amazing. Not to mention that our children appreciated that we made our relationships the priority.  After returning home we agreed that this was the best vacation we have ever had.  What made this vacation the best?  Four things come immediately to mind.

1.  Time Together - Choosing to take the 11 hour drive was a good decision.  No only did we have the week in Williamsburg but we had the travel time in the car.

2.  Short Accounts - We really tried to encourage short accounts. (Quick to ask forgiveness and deal with any conflict.)

3.  Simple Things - It’s not about money that  you spend but simple things in life that you enjoy together.  Cooking together at the condo, grocery shopping together, swimming together, late nights by the pool, taking the boys to ride go-karts, board games and taking walks.  Not having wi-fi or cell service at our condo turned out to be a big plus. I confess I did twitter some if we were driving in an area where I had phone service but most of the time I was unplugged.

4.  New Things - There is something about new experiences that bonds people together.  We explored some new areas of Williamsburg that we did not see on our last visit and this allowed us to build new memories.  Learning together draws people closer. 

During dinner after returning home the boys wanted to talk about “what was your favorite part of vacation?”  Honestly it is hard to pick just one thing.  After being pressured to choose I did narrow it down to two things…sitting out by the pool together at night and talking and floating on the “Lazy River” on a 2-person float with my husband for two hours. 

After writing these things I have to parallel it with my relationship with our Heavenly Father.  What are the Top 4 ways to have a great relationship with God?  They really are similar…

1.  Time Together - Scripture tells us in James to Draw near to God and He will draw near to us. Just as this is true with people in your life it is also true with with God.  Regular time in prayer and His Word is the primary way to have a growing relationship with the Lord.  Meeting with the Lord on a daily basis is key even if it is just for 10-15.  As you grow that time will increase.

2.  Short Accounts - Unconfessed sin in our lives will always break our fellowship with God.  Spiritual maturity is not someone who never blows it but someone is is quick to confess sin and deal with it.  Beware of the temptation to whitewash sin.  Because of our pride and fallen nature we will be tempted not to be honest with God and others.  In place of lying one might be tempted to say “mislead.”  Or “said something I should not” instead of gossip.  What about “sharing a prayer request” vs. slander.  Recently heard someone say “I was unfaithful to my wife” instead of I lied to her and committed adultery.  Why is it that we choose the word unfaithful or crossed the line instead of calling it what it is?  This is an example of our pride and not dealing thoroughly with our sin.  I John 1:9 tells us that If we confess our sins he will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

3.  Simple Things - Living as a passionate follower of Christ is not complicated.  It is a result of simple things…surrender, prayer and obedience to His Word.

4.  New Things - Something that is not growing is dying. Whether it be a person, a marriage or a church.  New life will always bring new things.  How are you growing?  This will often require stepping out in faith which will require trust.  Those who grow the most are willing to take risks and try new things.

Which of these 4 do you feel the most challenged by?  What would you add to this list?

After over 20 years of ministry I continue to learn that serving the Lord in any capacity requires spiritual, emotional and physical strength and endurance.  Spiritual labor makes serious demands on us.  Three  years doing church consulting in the Northeast and then church planting took a heavy toll on me in all three areas.  Yes it was fun, exciting and rewarding but the demands were high.  WIN and serving as the Executive Director of the church was very full time. In additon to the norm I also lost my father in 2007.  Not being in driving distance during his last few months was difficult.  I am convinced that God used 3 things to keep me going in a demanding season of ministry. They are:     

1. Consistent devotional life (prayer & in Word apart from Bible study prep)
2. Consistent family time
3. Consistent day off

But there is a 4th area that I neglected which is diet and exercise.  To serve Jesus well we must be as diligent in this area as the other three.  This month Todd and I made a decision to eat healthier and get in shape.  We have cut out processed food, unhealthy fats, sugar, white flour, soda, fried foods and high fat dairy.  I’m not saying we will never eat fried okra or fresh peach cobbler again but we are going to get our unhealthy weight off and make better choices so that we can labor for a lifetime. 

Even when you feel good it is still important to take time off.  This means a regular off day each week in addition to a vacation a couple times per year.  In one hour we leave for a vacation week in Virginia.  Someone in the church blessed us with a week at his resort condo.  We accepted.  As much as I enjoy blogging I will be unplugged while we are out of town.  My husband and children appreciate my undivided attention so they will have it.  Expect it will be okay to post cell phone pics on facebook every now and then.  You can also follow me on twitter @DuAnneSeeley. 

What do you do to unwind?

I enjoy going to the grocery store.  A lot.  So do my children.  We enjoy the whole process until we get to the counter to check out.  The values of the world we live in are displayed on the magazine covers for all to see while waiting to check out.  Here are a few of the article titles I saw this morning…Top 10 ways to hotter sex, Give him what he really wants in bed, 7 reasons to hide the affair, How to tell for sure if he is cheating, Get the hot body that no man can resist, Get that bikini body within two weeks, Lose 10 lbs in 7 days and many others. 

What do you think of when you read this stuff?  If Jesus were behind you in the grocery store line, what would he say?  How would he respond to the people?  I wonder if he would confront the system of our world?  We read in Scripture that he did.  What would he teach about how our culture values hotness over holiness?  Greed over generosity?  Celebrity over celebrating Christ?  Do you ever get sucked into what’s going on with Brad and Angelina more than what is going on with your neighbor?  Or the latest with Jon & Kate?   How would he address Christians today with our disconnect between Christianity and holiness as we are commanded all throughout Scripture?

Wouldn’t you love to see this on a magazine cover the next time you are in the grocery store line…Top 10 ways to live a holy life.  Can you imagine?  What do you think about this topic?

When we live a false gospel we will proclaim a false gospel.

Ask my children who their heroes are and I fear they would speak of a cartoon superhero or sports figure.  My prayer is that answer would change one day as they grow spiritually and see the man their father is and learn of other missionaries and spiritual leaders who have impacted the world for Christ.  Our desire is to expose Matthew and Aaron to as many Jesus servants as we can, maybe some of them will be on their list. 

When I was young I had several Christian heroes.  Not being raised in a Christian home, I was hungry for role models.  I was a voracious reader so authors like Hudson Taylor, Henrietta Mears, David Wilkinson, Corrie ten Boom, Dawson Trotman and Billy Graham became my heroes.  God used these men and women in my life to help shape who I am today.  Who would have dreamed that one day I would work for the organization Dawson Trotman started or move to the NYC where David Wilkinson lives and mentor one of his staff at Times Square Church? 

What happens if a pastoral hero falls morally such as Gary Lamb admitted to at Revolution church last Sunday?  That happened to me as a young believer when I was a teen.  This can be painful and confusing.  After going through this experience 3 times I began to question what traits put someone on my hero list.  The result was that I narrowed the qualifications.  The focus became more who they were in the heart vs. what they did.  The inside vs. the outside.  Character vs. charisma.  Were they just starting out in ministry, in the middle or had they rounded 3rd base and close to the finish line?

People on my hero list today may be for different things.  My husband, for his humility,  integrity and his willingness to forsake all for Christ.  Billy Graham for evangelism.  Frank Barker for holiness and prayer.  John Maxwell for leadership.  Dan Reiland for wisdom, heart for pastors and the local church.  Anne Graham Lotz for teaching Jesus.  Missionaries who are serving in the middle of nowhere and pastors who are serving average size churches who are living a holy life and faithful to Jesus, their family and the church, you too, are numbered among my heroes. 

As I live more years I see heroes can fall.  Any of us can whenever we take our eyes off Jesus.  For you readers today I pray I Corinthians 9:24-27.  Please pray this for me too, so that “lest possibly, after I have preached to others, I myself should be disqualified”

Would love to hear who your heroes are.

No matter how gifted you are, or what talents you possess, no highly developed leadership skills make up for a lack of character.  Without strong character everything will eventually come crashing down.  Dr. Henry Cloud says who a person is will ultimately determine if their brains, talents, competencies, energy, effort, deal-making abilities and opportunities will succeed. 

Dr. Steven Berglas, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School believes that people lacking strong character are destined for one or more of the four A’s:  Arrogance, painful feelings of aloneness, destructive adventure seeking or adultery.  What can you do if you find yourself lacking a strong character? Or maybe you have already experienced one of the four A’s that Dr. Berglas identifies.  What now?  Immediately call a time out.  Step away from some of the stress of your life and seek good professional counseling.  Don’t buy into the lie that this is a phase which will pass.  Trust me it will not go away.  Unaddressed it will only grow and become more destructive.

While waiting for that counseling appointment here are 4 things you can do:

1.  Recall.  Look at every area of your life and see where you have compromised and let people down.  Write down every instance you can recall from the last 3 months. 

2.  Repair.  Look at the list you just wrote down.  Are there patterns?  Is there a weak area that keeps surfacing?  You can’t repair what you don’t acknowledge.

3.  Repent.  Ask God to help you write down a list of people that you need to apologize to.  Follow through with sincere apologies.

4. Rebuild.  After repenting comes rebuilding your character.  There are no short cuts to rebuilding your character and this will take some time.  Create a growth plan that will help you become the man or woman that God wants you to be.  Invite people into your life to be part of this process.  A counselor will be one of your resources for rebuilding.

As we develop or rebuild our character we will have the peace and fulfillment that comes from living the life God desires for us.  And we will experience a life that God blesses.

Before marriage and children I enjoyed posting quotes on my frig.  One of my favorite by Chuck Swindoll…Integrity is keeping your commitment even when the circumstances surrounding the commitment have changed.  Circumstances are a crossroads that make a person choose one of two paths:  character or compromise.  Every time we choose the character path we will grow stronger even if there are seemingly negative consequences. 

Sometimes the character path seems very difficult. I remember a time when  a staff person in an organization lied to support a decision he had made.  We knew the truth but decided to take a higher road and trust in the sovereignty of God.  Sometimes it’s tough not to take matters into your own hands.  The Lord continues to teach me that I can’t control a lot of circumstances in life but I can choose my character. 

The adversity and stress of life does not make our character but it will reveal it. We can achieve success in marriage, ministry, career,etc. but if our character is lacking we are headed for a fall.

Yesterday I blogged about lessons we can learn from the fall of Pastor Gary Lamb of Revolution church.  Today I thought about a conversation I had several years ago with John Maxwell, at the time Sr. Pastor of Skyline Church in San Diego.  We were discussing moral failure and he stated that the root of this is always a character issue.  Now I am thinking about how childhood impacts our character and who we are.

Every child growing up has basic emotional needs.  These needs are put in the heart of each person by God.  We are not only physical beings but emotional and spiritual.  It is my responsibility to meet the needs of my children from the time they are born until they are grown.  These needs include feeling loved, worthwhile, a sense of belonging, relatively free from fear, and relatively free from false guilt.  Families should be living in such a way that the emotional needs of children are being met daily.  The greatest responsibility given to Todd and I (other than sharing the Gospel with them) is for them to leave home at 18 with a strong, healthy, Biblical based self image.

Unfortunately in many homes parents may not be aware of these emotional needs much less meeting them.  Parents can come from dysfunctional homes, have their own personal baggage and stress in life.  Sometimes a father or mother may be so caught up in their own resentment, anger or issues that they feel it impossible to nuture their own children the way they need.  Because a couple never saw a godly marriage modeled growing up they have no clue what a healthy marriage looks like.

A person can grow up and not really be aware of the emotional deprivations which stem from childhood.  But they are there just the same.  For example, a person may have many dysfunctional feelings that he is unaware of and he may throw himself into his ministry with great force, never realizing he is trying to meet those emotional needs that were never met.  Of course ministry, marriage, relationships, career success, sex or money will never meet those needs in your heart.  Until these deep issues are dealt with you will not be able to have the self image built on Christ that is necessary for effective leadership. Not to mention the ongoing problems that will rise up in every area of your life.

When a person falls morally, their actions may shock and surprise folks.  But a professionally trained person who has been observing this man or woman could have predicted that it would undoubtedly happen sooner or later.  When our lives are marked by childhood emotional deprivation, we will go to almost any extent in an effort to meet those needs.  If a Christian leader is insecure or has other personality problems, he becomes a sitting duck for almost any sinful thing that comes his way. 

Yesterday in my post Top Ten Lessons We Can Learn From A Fallen Pastor I spoke of the importance of getting real and knowing yourself.  I suggested that a pastor see a professional counselor on occasion for check ups and evaluation.  This is especially important in your 20’s and 30’s.  It is critical to get any issues dealt with so that you are not headed for a fall.  I saw my first counselor in my early 20’s and it was very beneficial.  Desiring to be as healthy as possible I still include books on emotional health in my personal growth plan.  One that I highly recommend is The Emotionally Healthy Church by Pete Scazzero.  Even if you are not in ministry I highly recommend it.  This book is often on the life coaching reading list that I recommend. 

Are you headed toward a fall?  What are you doing to maintain emotional and spiritual health?

Today I am saddened to hear of another pastor who has fallen morally.  I did not know  Gary Lamb personally but have felt connected to him because he is a church planting pastor who blogs and twitters.  Because of his success  he has spoken at church conferences.  According to his confession letter which was posted on his blog yesterday, he has been having an affair with his personal assistant for the past 6 weeks.  This pastor is married to a beautiful woman and they have young children. 

In the past few years you have probably heard of pastors who fell morally.  Maybe you have even had to hear your own pastor confess to this sin.  I have certainly counseled more than a few people who had a Christian spouse who committed adultery.  What can we learn from them?  How can we ensure that the same thing does not happen to us? Here are 10  lessons for Christian Leaders but any Christain can apply…

1.  Get Real.  Most people don’t plan to have an affair. And most of them think it could never happen to them. Be smarter than this. I don’t care who you are or what you do, we are capable of any sin.  When you think you are above adultery you are unwise and Satan is laughing all the way to the bank.  You will never have the protection you need before first knowing that you need it.  Before you can get real you really need to know yourself.  How well do you know yourself?  I suggest seeing the best counselor you can find at least once every couple of years.  Although we may be shocked by the news of a person falling into sin, we can usually be assured that the problem has existed in some form for many years.  Serious problems have long root systems.  Problems don’t just happen; they usually start small in one’s early years, then grow and grow.  The person may have struggled with a problem for decades.  Be real with a professional counselor and deal with your issues on the front end of a potential moral failure.

2.  Ask  For Accountability.  By accountability I don’t mean people who have you on a pedestal and think you are all that.  Surround yourselves by godly men (or women if you are female) who are going to be in your face honest and see you for what you are, a sinner saved by grace.  It would be great to have 2-3 men to hold you accountable but you have to have one.  If you don’t have accountability it is because you don’t want it.  Not because you can’t find it.  I read that when Howard Hendricks holds a pastor accountable he will ask him 10 questions and the #10 question is “now which of these have you lied about today?”   Have men on your accountability team who have the guts and courage to challenge you. 

3. Guard Your Daily Quiet Time. Are you having daily devotional time? When Todd and I do church consulting we are amazed at the number of pastors who are not consistent in having a daily devotion.  It’s so easy to buy into the lie that Sermon Prep, Bible study, prayer for God’s blessing or prayer for his people is a quiet time.  It is not.  The lack of a regular devotion is not a schedule problem it is a love problem.  If you are not faithful in your devotional life your ministry will never be from an overflow of your walk with God.  Without this what you are building will eventually crumble.

4.  Keep Short Accounts With God And Others. If you have unconfessed sin in your life you are vunerable to bigger sin.  Deal with it.  Small things grow into big things.

5.  Write A List Of The Consequences.  I heard a Nav Staff conference speaker by the name of Skip Gray share once the consequences have already been decided, you simply make a decison regarding the cost.  I challenge you to stop what you are doing right now and type out a list of the consequences that an affair would have on your life, family and ministry.  Be detailed.  Print the list out and keep it in your wallet. Share it with your accountaility group and read it on a regular basis.

6. Take Time Off.  Maybe your church thinks you are Samson and admire you because you are such a hard worker.  I’ve been a pastor and I am in full time ministry now so I’m going to be candid with you.  If you don’t take time off you are so full of pride that you stink.  Not to mention selfish which I will touch on in a minute.  God created the heavens and earth and then on the 7th day he rested.  When you don’t take time off you are living in disobedience to Scripture.  God has a reason for every principle in the Bible.  Trust that God is smarter than you are and take your off time each week.  And take at least 2 weeks vacation each year.  If you try to tell anyone you can’t afford it you are living in la la land.  Show me a person who is not taking regular time off and I will show you someone who is not right with God.  If you are not taking time off you communicate that you love the ministry more than you love the God whom you claim to serve.

7.  Establish And Write Out Integrity Convictions.  A few of mine:  Never travel alone with person of opposite sex.  Don’t have one on one meeting or lunch with opposite sex.  Etc.  Etc.  These may sound rigid to the world but will help to protect you.  I will meet with two or more men for a lunch or meeting but never one on one.  Scripture tells us to avoid even the appearance of evil. 

8.  Enable Your Wife To Interview Any Potential Assistant.  Years ago I heard Miles McPherson, Pastor of The Rock Church in San Deigo speak about the built in radar that women have.  His presentation was funny but true.  Women are naturally intuitive and can usually see things you will not.  If your wife has a gut feeling listen to her.  If you are smart you will.

9.  Date Your Wife.  Sex is great and is a wonderful gift from God for a married couple.  Do you want maximum sex?  Would you like your wife to initiate sex so often that you feel like you are newly married?  Romance your wife.  Romance does not start in the bedroom it starts days before.  Date her.  Minister to her. Treat her like you did before you knew you had her.  Talk to her.  Listen with the heart. Ask her questions.  Hopefully you know what communicates love to her.  Affirm her.  Pray with for her and with her.  Don’t allow unresolved issues between the two of you.  Studies show that sex is more satisfying between two people who are committed,  married and love each other.  Remember that love is a choice. If you need help with how to romance your wife please invest in some books on the subject.  It will be money well spent.  And you will be glad you did. Promise.

10.  Guard Your Eyes.  Remember the childrens song with the lyrics Be careful little eyes what you see?  This song communicates the biblical principle of guarding your heart.  Webster defines guard as keeping safe from harm.  How well do you guard your heart?  Your eyes?  Last January Todd and I had a pastor share with us that he and his pastoral staff view R rated movies.  Their reasoning was so that they would be in touch with the culture and relevant.  They also frequented bars to help them stay in touch.  Same with TV shows.  People (and especially men) are visual and nudity on screen or seeing sex scenes will not help you to live the holy life to which we have been called.  Do you struggle with lust?  Trash on the screen will only fuel an unholy life. 

This is a huge issue to address on a blog.  You could write a book on each lesson with plenty of Scripture to study. This post is not even the tip of the iceberg.  Later in the week I will talk more about root issues, holiness and restoration.  What would you add to this?

When a Christian leader falls, it should cause all of us who are born again to fall on our knees and ask the Lord to help us be loving and compassionate.  God very plainly says to us in Galatians 6:1, If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day is out.  stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law.  If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.  (Msg)