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We are in the process of putting together the next LEADERSHIP FORUM and I need your feedback!  Would you please take a minute share what you believe to the the greatest challenge for women in ministry or leadership today?  Posting it for others to see would be best but if you prefer your thoughts to be private just email me at dseeley@winfluence.org.   You can help further by asking other women in ministry to participate.  I will have a drawing  on May 15th and give a Free Registration to a WIN 2009 event to one of you who takes part in this project. Thanks so much for you participation. You are making a difference! :-) 

Last night Todd and I enjoyed some extra family time with our boys. I treasure each moment knowing that they will be grown and gone before you know it.   They are only 10 and 12 but I know we only have a short amount of time to invest in them.  We work daily at letting them know they are more valuable to us than the ministry.  As busy as church planting can get we don’t want them to think it is more important.  So we schedule as much quality time as we can with them between school, church, and the business of life in NYC on Staten Island.  We schedule it so that we can guard it. 

This  most challenging mentoring relationship is also the one I find the most rewarding.  It is also the one that keeps me on my knees the most. Mentoring your children is the opportunity given to us by God which can encompass all 7 types of mentoring…Hero, Teacher, Discipler, Counselor, Equipper, Life Coach and Champion.  A good life coach will share powerful statements but also ask good  questions.  Here are a few that I like to use with my children…

1. I believe in you.
2. You can count on me.
3. I treasure you.
4. I’m sorry, please forgive me.
5. Because (I share from Scripture why, read out loud or they read)
6. No
7. I love you.
8. Of all the little boys in the world, how did I get the best one?

(The last 4 are questions I got from Andy Stanley who will ask his kids as he is hugging them good night.)          

9.  Is everything okay in your heart?

10. Are you angry at anyone?

11.  Are you worried about anything?

12.  Do you feel guilty about anything?

Do you have any to add?

When we are first introduced to mentoring, we often think of one ideal mentor - a perfect model who can do almost everything.  I am blessed to know a few people like this.  But not many.  So what is mentoring?  Mentoring is an intentional experience or relationship in which one person is empowered by another.  The person giving is called the mentor. The person receiving is called the mentoree.  Mentoring can take place over a short period of time or over a long period of time.  It may occur face to face or from a distance.  It might be regular like weekly or bi-weekly or monthly.  The mentor may initiate the relationship, or it may be introduced by the mentoree.

There are 7 different types of mentoring with potential for empowering a person who desires to learn and grow.  The 7 mentoring types are:  Heroes, Teacher, Discipler, Counselor, Equipper, Life Coach and Champion.  In future posts I will define each of these in detail. 

Do you sense the potential that mentoring has in helping us reach our potential?  Do you feel that God wants you to seek out a mentor?  Or perhaps you are beginning to sense that God may want you to establish mentoring relationships that will empower others.  Let’s explore this more later.

Occasionally, God may bring a person into your life who is a divine contact.  I believe this is God ordained.  This is a tool God uses to bring about his purpose in your life.  The result being a word of counsel, an insight, a question, encouragement, or a new direction that you had not even considered.  These divine contacts will frequently not know they are being used in your life, but you can take advantage of them as God-given resources sent along at just the right moment.   Think about a large puzzle on a table.  In the tapestry of your life God uses a variety of means to accomplish his purpose.  Proverbs 16:9  says  “The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.”

While enjoying a hot cup of coffee at my desk I can think of many such contacts that God used in my life.  No time to list them all but a few that come to mind…

• Al Broom - I  met him at a church service in San Diego a few days before moving back to Birmingham. He  strongly recommended I visit Briarwood Church, a church that was not even in his denomination.  After just one visit God began to open up doors for me to receive mentoring and eventually I went on their full time staff.
• Angie Griffin - I met Angie at a clothing store. She invited me to a Bible Study on Friday nights for college students. At the study I met John Thompson (pastor) who became a mentor in my life.
• Skip Gray - A conference speaker I met at a Campus Outreach event.  Skip offered me an opportunity with The Navigators which I served on staff with for 9 years.
• Crawford Nevins - A godly layman at Briarwood who joined my prayer team while on Nav staff.  As a result of people praying the Lord did supernatural things in the ministry.  At a campus that was known as a spiritual dessert we experienced  consistent conversions for Christ and believers developed to labor in the harvest. God used Crawford to develop my own dependence on prayer and to better understand the power of prayer. 
• Sheryl Fleisher - I met Sheryl at a lunch with Dennis Beatty. She became a long term mentor in my life and eventually we served on the same pastoral staff together under Dr. John Maxwell.

At the time of these casual encounters I had no idea how they would impact my life.  I can think of so many more and I bet you can to.  What divine contacts have you had that altered the course of your life?

How does a woman find the right mentor, even when it seems none are available?  Is it possible?  Yes. When people are first introduced to mentoring they often think of one ideal mentor—a perfect model who can do everything.  Then the pick-ens really do seem slim.  Few of those exist.  I believe that anyone can mentor, provided she has learned something from God and is willing to share with others what she has learned.  As a Christ follower you can mentor others.  Whatever God has given you that has helped you deepen your relationship with him, you can pass on to another.  Introducing young believers to the basics of spoiritual growth is part of the discipleship process, which is the first and most basic type of mentoring. 

In my life I have had many mentors that I have never even met.  How is that possible?  Reading about other believers, spiritual leaders, any person who made a difference, anyone who is doing what you would like to do, is another form of mentoring that you can take advantage of at any time.  Observing the growth, struggles, responses, and decision making processes of those who are following Christ can provide insight, challenge and often practical help for your own situation.   I became a Christian at 16 and read all the time.  I still do. I don’t recall one time in my life where I have not had at least 3-4 books that I am working on.  And I don’t mean fiction. When I was younger I would often contact the author to ask questions about what they had written.  One of the first books I read after becoming a Christian was “Spiritual Leadership” by Oswald Sanders.  It had a huge impact on my life and I was able to meet with him on two different occasions.  The last time I saw him before his death, he was 86 and had over 20 speaking appointments for the week.  Mr. Sanders was an incredible man of God and I gleaned tons from him that had a lasting impact on my life. 

Who are you learning from?  What books are you reading?

Will you mentor me is a question I have asked often.  Mentoring or coaching is not a new concept.  It is a natural relational process where wisdom, experience, skill, perspective or values are passed from one to another. Mentoring took place in the Old Testament among prophets and leaders and in the New Testament among disciples and leaders.  The process in our culture did shift to classrooms, books, videos and computers but has made a comeback to the origin.  Something happens in a relational connection between the giver and receiver that does not happen in a classroom or even from the pulpit. 

Sometimes those  who don’t have mentoring or accountability fear transparency and vulnerability. Pride can cause us to see ourselves as one who is ”The Mentor” and less as one who needs a mentor or peer accountability. When we see the value and understand the potential of total life change we get it.  What I have seen is that those who want it bad enough will find it.

Another relationship that made a major difference in my life was with Sheryl Fleisher. Sheryl was a college intern on staff at CABC with Dennis Beatty when we first met.   She had wisdom, discernment and ministry experience that I knew I could learn from.  I asked her to mentor me and she did.  She mentored me long distance for years before I moved back to San Diego to minister with The Navigators on a college campus.  Sheryl continued to mentor me but because of my growth and development our relationship changed to one of friends in ministry.  Eventually I went on staff at her church and we ministered as co-workers in ministry.  Sheryl is one that mentored me for years.  When she felt like she had taught me everything she could our relationship changed to one of just friends.  She was my maid of honor when I got married and the god mother to my first child.  After sharing years in ministry eventually both of us moved on to different parts of the country with different ministries.  I will always be grateful for her investment in my life.

Occasionally God may bring a person into your life for a short season, some for a long season and some for a life time.  God has brought many mentors into my life to make a timely contribution.   I am grateful for all and want to hold each with an open hand as a gift from the Lord.  I continue to be mentored and will share in future posts how it’s possible never to be without at least one active mentoring relationship.

Who are you mentoring?

 (This blog post is dedicated to a great mentor and my first, Dr. Dennis Beatty.)

Over 25 years ago I remember sitting in the college ministry at College Avenue Baptist Church in San Diego, CA.  I was new to SD and it was my first Sunday at the church.  I was excited but uncertain…nothing was familiar.  It was a new culture and a new setting.  I still remember that the college pastor, Dr. Dennis Beatty,  spoke on “Faith in the Fire.” He was actually the most dynamic Bible teacher I had been exposed to in my young Christian life.  The Holy Spirit used his passion for God and the Word to instill in me an insatiable hunger for spiritual growth and development that is still with me.  The following week his secretary called to invite me to a newcomers lunch.  That lunch was the beginning of a life long mentoring relationship, a relationship that made a difference in my life.  As our relationship grew, God used him to influence my own attitude and call to full time ministry. He made time for people and cared for the sheep of his flock as a true shepherd.  Dennis became the friend, coach, counselor, and model I desperately needed.  His mentorship not only enabled me to pass through a trying period, but launched me into fruitful ministry and leadership. 

I think people have been rediscovering that the process of learning and maturing needs many kinds of different relationships.  The “self-made” man or woman is a myth and though some claim it, few aspire to it.  It leaves people relationally deficient and narrow-minded.  Today there is a resurgence of mentoring and coaching.  What does this mean?  How do people get it?…Do it?  Before we take a look at that I will spend the next few days sharing a few more examples.

Who are the relationships that have made a difference in your life?

Last June Todd and I got to sit in on a SS class for seniors at Briarwood Church in Birmingham.  No we are not seniors yet! They did not check ID at the door and maybe did not notice we were just in our 40’s.  The teacher in the class, Tom Bradford, was a godly man in his 80’s. Both Todd and I felt we could sit at his feet for hours listening to his words of wisdom. Do you know anyone like that?  This man was a layman and his powerful message could have been shared behind any pulpit in America.  It was on finishing well. I  think often about finishing well.  Do you? Paul encourages us in I Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 

The research on Christian  leaders is startling. Few finish well.  But research shows the ones who do finish well have something in common.  These men and women had mentors who coached them in timely situations along the way.  Mentoring relationships significantly enhance the development of those who stay the course.  A simple definition of mentoring is a coaching relationship where one person helps equip, develop or empower a person by sharing God-given resources.

Think about leadership failures you have heard of in the past 10 years?  I’m sure there are many more we don’t hear about.  Do you think adequate mentoring might have prevented most of these failures?  Mentoring can reduce the probability of leadership failure, provide needed accountability and empower a responsive leader.  In my own life I feel so grateful for the mentors who have been in my life.  I was not brought up in a Christian home but in different seasons of my life I  sought out a variety of mentors. The benefit is too great to communicate in a short blog.  Today I continue to learn from others.

As a woman in mnistry I recognize that there don’t seem to be enough mentors to go around.  I also realize that the more you grow in leadership that list grows smaller. But I want to give you hope that mentors are out there for you.  In a future blog I will share a few insights on how you can be mentored no matter what your circumstances. 

What are you doing today to ensure that you finish well?

 If you are familiar with the DISC profile or other similar assessments, my nature is a “D” or one that tends to be independent.  If you met me today this is not as obvious to others as in my earlier years. God has a way of breaking and molding us to better fit his image, but I am still in process.  There are several personality types that lean toward an independence that can be hazardous to your health. Are you one of them? Regardless of your personality, I do believe it is human nature for us to look to ourselves for personal growth instead of another.  We can even take pride in this claiming “I never had a mentor.”  There are many ways that mentoring can be provided in our lives but that is for another post. Today I want to warn you that too much independence can be hazardous to your health.  God made us for each other.  None of us are fully equipped to become all that we can on our own.  Even a Sr. pastor of a mega church or president of an organization needs accountability. Our weaknesses and blind spots all point to our need to be interdependent.  This is why connecting with others in this way plays such an indispensable role in healthy personal growth and leadership development. 

Mentoring from others will put you years ahead of where you will be on your own.  I see it all the time.  A woman in her 50’s that will seem younger in areas and a woman in her 20’s will seem so much older.  In mentoring I look at all of life’s growth areas (spiritual, emotional, relational, professional, etc.) In addition to enhancing your own potential, what you discover in a mentoring relationship will help equip you to help others as well.  So why don’t we place a higher priority on developing these empowering relationships?  Are we uneasy with the vulnerability, assuming it will be perceived as weakness? Do we hesitate to ask, not wanting to impose on anyone else’s busy schedule?  Are we reluctant to provide mentoring for others, not wanting to come across as proud or someone who has arrived? Each of these factors play a part, but the main reason we miss out is that we simply don’t understand the true nature of mentoring, a problem that is easily overcome. 

Let’s continue this tomorrow.  Comments?

How can you tell when a church or ministry is well led? Here are two quick tests.  The first is to look at the heart of the people under the leader.  Who they are is a reflection of the one who leads them.  You reproduce what you are. Are they grounded in their faith? Is there love? Is there grace?  Are they reproducing leaders?  Are they growing in holiness?  Is there healthy confession and forgiveness? The mission of the church, and the purpose of church leadership is to develop mature Christians.  

Another test is to observe the heart of the leader. Do they allow negative things to take up residence in their heart?  Do they have unresolved anger in their heart? Unforgiving? Are they critical of another?  Do they have a selfish heart or one of abundance? Do they show God off vs. showing off themselves or their church?  Do they give God the glory for what he has done?  Do they have integrity? Is the heart of the leader controlled by the Holy Spirit or by fear? Does the leader take the high road?  Every one can blow it now and then but us it a pattern?

God has blessed me so much to have worked with many godly men and women in leadership.  But with 20 years of ministry I have also seen immaturity.  We are given a heart full of treasure and talent, feelings and desires. In short, God has granted to us potential realities for leadership and success at many levels.  It is our job to dig up whatever potential we have.  The choice before us is whether we are going to keep our potential buried or choose to step out in faith and see that potential turn into reality. This will bring glory to God.